Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A burning sun!

Me: "Please scoot out of the chair so I can use the computer, T."

T: "Turn Mom into a nasty, mean, burning hot sun and sell her!"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Word of the Week: Erinaceous!

This week's word is ERINACEOUS: Of the hedgehog family.

At the health spa, Diamonda lounged in the sauna, engulfed in a pungent seaweed wrap. Her hair protruded in somewhat erinaceous spikes as the attendant massaged citrus oil into her scalp.

“I think I’ll try one of those new avocado-papaya masks,” Diamonda said languidly. “I’ve got to do something about these lines around my eyes before the wedding. I look like some kind of hideous reptile from the early Erinaceous Period!”

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A newt!

"That's it! Straighten Mom into a newt! The girl has spoken!"

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Word of the Week: Mungo!

This week's word is MUNGO: a dumpster-diver; one who extracts valuable things from trash.

Downtown at the health spa, Diamonda sat in the locker room, humming a careless tune and inspecting the cuticles on her left foot.

Suddenly, the room filled with the opening bars of “Stairway to Heaven” as her cell phone began to ring.

Diamonda snatched the phone. “This is Miss Zirconium.”

“Diamonda!” said a familiar voice on the phone. “You’ve got to get down here immediately! Some detective just brought in three of your Uncle Pierre’s antique Egyptian scarabs.”

Diamonda gasped, dropping her emery board. “But the scarabs were stolen from his car in that burglary three weeks ago!”

“Detective Flint claims a mungo found them in a dumpster behind Juanita’s Bar and Grill,” he said. “They’re testing for fingerprints.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” she said briskly. “Stall him.”

Towelling off her hair and searching for her other sandal, Diamonda glanced up into the mirror and screamed. “I look like a freak! That cucumber-mungo mud mask turned my face magenta!”

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Scintillating Goose!

"You are a parody vet, you scintillating goose!"

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Word of the Week: Conurbation!

This week's word is CONURBATION: an extensive urban area resulting from the expansion of several cities or towns so that they coalesce but usually retain their separate identities.

Zinc and Dr. Sheridan lingered in the hallway at the Windy Beach Convalescence Home. “Sorry I’m so late,” apologized Zinc. “Traffic was backed up all over the Bay area conurbation!”

“It’s a good thing you’re here now. Mr. Baguette has been asking for you,” said Dr. Sheridan, flipping over a page on her clipboard. “Something about changing his will before it’s too late. Are you his next of kin, Mr. Oxide?”

“Well, Uncle Pierre’s not my actual uncle per se,” said Zinc uncomfortably. “We’re not related by blood. His second ex-wife was my stepmother’s half-sister.”

Dr. Sheridan’s lovely brow furrowed in conurbation. “So that makes him your-?

“I’ve always thought of him as a distant cousin,” confessed Zinc. “You think that’s complicated, you should talk to my mechanic, Ax. I was the best man at his wedding when he accidentally married his own aunt because he was a foundling who didn’t know who his parents were. Not to mention he was already married to my sister, Chastity.”

“Who is Mr. Baguette’s next of kin?” persisted Dr. Sheridan. “And do you know the name of his lawyer?”

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Bite you into a frame!

T's trash talk doesn't always make sense, but it's always vivid.

"I am not a hot air balloon! I am going to bite you into a frame, because you're being bad!"