Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A mad goat!

"Leave me alone, or you will get so mad that you will be a mad goat! The girl has spoken!"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Puncture her away!

T's use of action verbs is astounding. Listen to the workout I was going to get last night:

"Puncture Mommy away! Scribble her up to the roof! Prickle everyone out and water them!"

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A burning sun!

Me: "Please scoot out of the chair so I can use the computer, T."

T: "Turn Mom into a nasty, mean, burning hot sun and sell her!"

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Word of the Week: Erinaceous!

This week's word is ERINACEOUS: Of the hedgehog family.

At the health spa, Diamonda lounged in the sauna, engulfed in a pungent seaweed wrap. Her hair protruded in somewhat erinaceous spikes as the attendant massaged citrus oil into her scalp.

“I think I’ll try one of those new avocado-papaya masks,” Diamonda said languidly. “I’ve got to do something about these lines around my eyes before the wedding. I look like some kind of hideous reptile from the early Erinaceous Period!”

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A newt!

"That's it! Straighten Mom into a newt! The girl has spoken!"

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Word of the Week: Mungo!

This week's word is MUNGO: a dumpster-diver; one who extracts valuable things from trash.

Downtown at the health spa, Diamonda sat in the locker room, humming a careless tune and inspecting the cuticles on her left foot.

Suddenly, the room filled with the opening bars of “Stairway to Heaven” as her cell phone began to ring.

Diamonda snatched the phone. “This is Miss Zirconium.”

“Diamonda!” said a familiar voice on the phone. “You’ve got to get down here immediately! Some detective just brought in three of your Uncle Pierre’s antique Egyptian scarabs.”

Diamonda gasped, dropping her emery board. “But the scarabs were stolen from his car in that burglary three weeks ago!”

“Detective Flint claims a mungo found them in a dumpster behind Juanita’s Bar and Grill,” he said. “They’re testing for fingerprints.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” she said briskly. “Stall him.”

Towelling off her hair and searching for her other sandal, Diamonda glanced up into the mirror and screamed. “I look like a freak! That cucumber-mungo mud mask turned my face magenta!”

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Scintillating Goose!

"You are a parody vet, you scintillating goose!"

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Word of the Week: Conurbation!

This week's word is CONURBATION: an extensive urban area resulting from the expansion of several cities or towns so that they coalesce but usually retain their separate identities.

Zinc and Dr. Sheridan lingered in the hallway at the Windy Beach Convalescence Home. “Sorry I’m so late,” apologized Zinc. “Traffic was backed up all over the Bay area conurbation!”

“It’s a good thing you’re here now. Mr. Baguette has been asking for you,” said Dr. Sheridan, flipping over a page on her clipboard. “Something about changing his will before it’s too late. Are you his next of kin, Mr. Oxide?”

“Well, Uncle Pierre’s not my actual uncle per se,” said Zinc uncomfortably. “We’re not related by blood. His second ex-wife was my stepmother’s half-sister.”

Dr. Sheridan’s lovely brow furrowed in conurbation. “So that makes him your-?

“I’ve always thought of him as a distant cousin,” confessed Zinc. “You think that’s complicated, you should talk to my mechanic, Ax. I was the best man at his wedding when he accidentally married his own aunt because he was a foundling who didn’t know who his parents were. Not to mention he was already married to my sister, Chastity.”

“Who is Mr. Baguette’s next of kin?” persisted Dr. Sheridan. “And do you know the name of his lawyer?”

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Bite you into a frame!

T's trash talk doesn't always make sense, but it's always vivid.

"I am not a hot air balloon! I am going to bite you into a frame, because you're being bad!"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Word of the Week: Taxon!

This week's word is TAXON: a taxonomic category, as a species or genus.

Diamonda stormed into the trophy room, nearly tripping over the huge polar bear rug in the doorway. “Stella!” she spat, her sapphire-blue eyes glinting angrily. “You know you’re not allowed within a thousand yards of Uncle Pierre’s house! I’m calling your parole officer!”

“Ahem,” mumbled Torque uncomfortably. “I’ll just leave you ladies to talk things out.” He killed the music and casually melted into the background, hiding behind a moth-eaten stuffed water buffalo.

“Diamonda?” Stella frowned prettily, staring around the room at the pelts and mounted heads. “Is that you? How did we end up in West Africa?”

“Don’t try that amnesia stunt on me,” hissed Diamonda. “It might have fooled the judge and both of your ex-husbands, but it doesn’t fool me!”

“You wouldn’t report your favorite sister, would you?” Stella fingered a brass plaque that listed the taxon of the Australian kookaburra bird. “I’ll buy you a new mink stole if you forget you saw me here,” she wheedled.

“Mink?” scoffed Diamonda. “The taxon mink alone would bankrupt you, and we both know it! Unless your new sugar daddy is bringing in more blackmail money than your last one!”

“You leave Torque out of this!” snarled Stella.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: Nasty toaster!

Sometimes, Trash Talk is elaborate. Other times, it is concise, to the point, and strangely evocative.

"Go! I will chunk you into a nasty toaster!"

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Word of the Week: Quagga!

This week's word is QUAGGA: an extinct equine African mammal related to and resembling the zebra.

Stella led Torque down the hallway into the huge trophy room at the mansion. “I had no idea Uncle Pierre was such a prolific hunter,” she exclaimed, her eyes round with awe. “Just look at all these pelts! They must be worth a fortune!”

“I’ll say,” gloated Torque, stroking the glassy-eyed head of an extinct quagga. “And soon all of this will be ours!”

“Just as long as my sister, Diamonda, doesn’t persuade poor Uncle Pierre to change his will.” Stella slipped her arms around Torque’s neck. “It would just ruin everything.”

“Oh, I’ll see to it she doesn’t.” Torque pressed a button on the CD player, and they began to dance as Mick Quagga sang, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: My special finger!

Trash talk isn't limited to bath time. The other day when our son hurt T's hand, we got a beautiful sample:

"He has wilted my special finger! Now we will just eat him for breakfast!"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Word of the Week: Incalescence!

This week's word is INCALESCENCE: the process of becoming warm or hot.

“I’m here to see Dr. Sheridan,” announced Zinc as he strode into the Windy Beach Incalescence Home.

“Yes, we spoke on the phone,” said a honey-sweet voice behind him. “I’m Dr. Sheridan.”

“Tiffette?” Zinc whirled, staring incredulously at the shapely, white-coated figure. “I thought I’d never see you again after you eloped with Xavier!” He crushed Dr. Sheridan to his chest in a breathless embrace.

“Mr. Oxide, this is neither the time nor the place,” she whispered, pushing him away and adjusting her stethoscope. “Your uncle Pierre’s condition is still critical. There’s no way to tell whether his convalescence will continue.”

“Sorry, Tiffette,” he mumbled, gazing deep into the emerald-green eyes he knew so well. “I shouldn’t have let the incalescence of my heart run away with me.”

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: You menacing walrus!

What I love most about T's trash talk is the vivid imagery. Here's a timeless classic:

"Just ask the crumb, you menacing walrus! Bang! You are a bone!"

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Word of the Week: Pulchritude!

We're a word-loving family, especially Dad. One of the GG's most popular features is the Word of the Week, an ongoing soap opera that features a vocabulary word used both correctly and incorrectly.

This week's word is PULCHRITUDE: physical beauty or comeliness.

Stella posed in the doorway, a vision of pulchritude in her long, sequined gown. "I do hope I'm not late," she purred, touching the glittering diamonds at her throat with a perfectly proportioned hand.

"Late? LATE?" snapped Torque. "We should have been there an hour ago! At this rate, your Uncle Pierre will be ready to cut us right out of the will, especially after you wrecked his Jaguar last week."

"I've had it with your bad pulchritude!" hissed Stella. "Would it kill you to look on the bright side for once?"

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Trash Talk Tuesday: A hasty leaf!

Our nine year old daughter, T, combines a flair for language with a head of thick, long hair. Every time we get out the hairbrush, she lets loose with a stream of colorful invective.

Here's her latest:

"It's time to turn you into a hasty leaf and put you in the fridge!"